Selamat Berpuasa

Lawak BUSH

President Bush decides to leave the White House and go out to sit in a local bar.
A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush sitting at the end of the bar?"
The bartender says, "Yep, that's him."
So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor! What are you doing in here?"
Bush says, " I'm planning WW III."
The guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"
Bush says, "Well, I'm going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits.
The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits?
Why kill a blonde with big tits?"
Bush turns to the bartender and says,
"See, I told you, no one gives a shit about the 140 million Muslims".

Dating

WHITE WOMEN

First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out.
Third date : You get to have sex, but only in the missionary position.


IRISH WOMEN

First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.


ITALIAN WOMEN

First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.
Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti and meatballs.
Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you and insists on a 3-carat ring.
5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together and hate the thought of having sex.
6th Anniversary: You find yourself a girlfriend.


JEWISH WOMEN

First Date: You get dynamite head.
Second Date: You get more great head.
Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her and never get head again.


CHINESE WOMEN

First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner, but nothing happens.
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing happens again.
Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you already realized nothing is going to happen.


INDIAN WOMEN

First date: Meet her parents.
Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night.


BLACK WOMEN

First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.
Third Date: You get to pay her rent.
Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone other than you.


MEXICAN WOMEN

First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on Tequila, and have sex in the back of her car.
Second Date: She's pregnant.
Third Date: She moves in. One week later ~ her mother, father, his girlfriend, her two sisters, her brother, all of their kids, her grandma, her father's girlfriend's mother, her two cousins, her sister's boyfriend and his three kids move in and you live on rice and beans for the rest of your life in your home that used to be nice, but now looks like a home along the Rio Grande.

The POINT ?

DON'T YOU JUST LOVE IRISH WOMEN?

FRU Takut Babi

Coretan ini bagi aku best di petik dari email, dan untuk dikongsi bersama.

Saya pernah pergi perarakan bantah Amerika serang Afghanistan. Kemudian perarakan bantah akhbar Denmark hina Nabi s.a.w. Kemudian bantahan kenaikan harga minyak. Banyak lagi bantahan rakyat saya turut serta.

Ketika berarak saya pernah disembur gas pemedih mata FRU. Saya melolong kesakitan. Saya mencari air. Saya rasa macam mahu rebah. Tetapi saya sabarkan hati. Meleleh air mata saya. Hidung saya pun berair. Kaki saya lemah. Tetapi anggota FRU menyembur dan terus menyembur, tanpa belas kasihan. Apa lagi saya boleh buat, larilah, kalau tak lari kena belantan pula.

Saya taubat. Saya bukan taubat tak nak pergi berjuang lagi, tapi taubat nak bagi sokongan kepada FRU, anggota keselamatan dan sesiapa saja yang jadi pengampu, tali barut untuk mengenyangkan si perut buncit sang penguasa.

Malah dalam salah satu tunjuk perasaan itu (bantahan harga minyak naik), helikopter penguasa zalim terbang rendah (saya yang berada di bawahnya, rasa macam mahu dibawanya terbang), bertujuan menggagalkan perhimpunan dan menghalang orang ramai daripada mendengar ucapan pemimpin.

Tetapi satu berita dari Melaka, buat saya ‘hilang respect’ pada kehebatan FRU, kehebatan anggota penguat kuasa si penguasa zalim. Manakan tidak hilang ‘respect’, baru digertak barisan penternak babi, semuanya bersurai, berundur, operasi tidak diteruskan.

Semuanya cabut. Malah tiada gas pemedih mata dilepaskan kepada 180,000 ekor babi yang ada di Melaka. Memang betullah tindakan mereka, babi haram disentuh, jangan didekati, jadi lebih baik ‘cabut’ daripada kena mandi air tanah sekali dan air bersih tujuh kali.

Tindakan mereka betul juga. Kalau sembur babi dengan air pemedih mata, silap-silap nanti babi mengamuk, susah orang Melaka. Babi ini bukan seekor dua, malah ratusan ribu. Kalau ratusan ribu mengambuk, habis orang Melaka kerana amukan ini lebih hebat daripada amukan Hang Jebat. Satu Melaka diamuk babi nanti.

Kalau amukan Hang Jebat, boleh juga ditepis, tetapi kalau babi mengamuk mana boleh tepis. Apabila tersentuh babi, kena bersuci. Daripada susah bersuci, lebih baik cabut lari.

Akhirnya 180,000 ekor babi terus sihat dan gemuk di kandang masing-masing. Ada kandang babi ini terletak di perkampungan orang Melayu di Dun Linggi dan Dun Tanjung Bidara. Orang kampung sudah lama muntah, tercium bau babi.

Puasa ini mereka akan muntah-muntah lagi. Uuuekkk, orang ramai pun tidak mahu lagi mandi-manda di Tanjung Bidara dan Pengakalan Balak, mereka takut air laut dicemari najis babi yang mengalir dari sungai-sungai dan anak sungai di kawasan berkenaan. Raya nanti waris pun tak nak balik manakala saudara dan sahabat tidak mahu kunjung kerana bukan ada bau dodol dan rendang tetapi ada bau babi.

Hairan ya, mengapa babi diternak di kawasan orang Islam. Orang Islam tidak makan babi tetapi mereka dipaksa pula cium bau babi. Kalau FRU takut babi, tentulah mereka lagi takut. Teruslah cium bau babi Ramadan dan Syawal ini. – lanh

Dah Jodoh!